Ive reached a point in my life where I love everything but can't seem to get one part stable. I have a good job, Im getting my education, I have made great friends, i work out, and I am smiling 99% of the time. I have a great deal of confidence but I am so insecure. I make a lot of poor decisions because my inability to confront conflict. I have developed a very dark part of my life;I have been incapable of keeping a monogamous sexual relationship.I lost my virginity 9 months ago, I have had 6 partners in the last 9months all of which blurred together with cheating and lies. Each partner has been tainted for me because I choose to ruin it for myself by cheating.Although technically I dont know what actions were officially cheating since some occasions were outside of labeled exclusive relationships. Thats a whole side story in itself when trying to determining whats dating, whats exclusive, whats love, whats lust, and whats a boyfriend. Ultimately sex makes me hate them either they dont give me enough, they are not hott enough, or they gave it up to soon for me to care about them, I cant see myself marrying them, the thought of getting pregnant by them is unbearable, or I think they just want me for sex blah blah so I leave them. Once Im not getting sex I start craving it and if Im spending alone time with a guy its inevitable. Here I am today kinda feel broken but great all at the same time. I have 2 sides to this life and one just aches like a broken heart. My relationships are becoming less meaningful and more sex based. The past guy was someone I cheated on my bf with and we would simply meet up late at night and have sex, meaningless, loveless, raw fucking. I liked his aggressive dominant style because I almost wanted to be dominated and controlled and forced into this because I wasnt sure I wanted it. I broke it off with him because I felt it was all about sex and I needed more. Soon after he wanted to try dating but it just wasnt there for me, I wanted the rough meaningless sex back and dating him was not satisfying. Now I am on to the next wondering when this scary cycle will end. I met a guy through friends who went to through a horrible rock bottom break up who wasnt looking for a relationship. We went out anyways and after 2 dates we are going like bunnies and its labeled nsa sex in this case. How I got here I dont know. Last night driving to his house he called me and after I hung up I wanted to cry because this didnt feel right. I wanted to pull over and turn around. I went anyways nervous disgusted and wanting it. We hooked up for 2 hours talking after was torturous because my insecurity is killing me knowing he doesnt want more than this.  That pain of rejection makes me want him more and makes me want to make myself more attractive and better. On the other hand I sit here with his number deleted in my phone, my fb app deleted avoiding him but hoping he texts me. Sadly he just did and Im scared to reply but want to all at the same time. I want to run into the right direction but dont know how to find it.

Here I am 22 years old sitting at the kitchen table in my mothers home, typing on the laptop my mom bought me when I was 18, and listening to music on the blackberry my mom bought me for my 20th birthday. Im within days of the new year, 2011. I will turning 23 in 2011 and.. well Im scared to be like "this" at 23. I may be close to or on the level of that son who smokes pot and lives in the basement playing videos, just swap out a few details and thats what "this"  is. Im sure many people have felt overwhelmed and confused about life. Truthfully that theory is my way of having faith Im not the only one. This probably is the quarter life crisis where you think uh oh am I a screw up? or just in that awkward phase before I finally grow up. My brain is one big grey area when It comes to figuring out what to do next. One day Im so optimistic and ready to go out and be Ms. Business and have the fire to do what it takes to make it....soon after reality or maybe fear slaps me back into a insecure "dreamer mode. I just wonder how you figure out what to do next and KNOW its right. Lets just see where I am at next year.

In July I took on the responsibility  of   Chairing my office's annual fundraiser. Why I did this....Well my interest to participate was because I do really get into party planning and do plan a great deal of the holiday parties and reunions and birthdays for my family. So I knew I had interest to be a part of the fundraiser. When the question came up who wants to be the Chairman this year no one volunteered and then when asked who wanted to atleast help I raised my hand and then was volunteered to Chair and then I awkwardly agreed.

Now 5 months later its finished the fundraiser was last night. We will end up with a total of about 3000 raised. Everyone said it went great and complimented me on doing a good job. It was weird that I had so much trouble taking the compliments correctly sometimes I responded really dumb like I hope so or Maybe and one time I said its not over yet so we'll see lol. Then I remembered hearing a dating show host say that on dates girls should just take a compliment and be greatful and not second guess etc. So I tried to start saying thank you. I think I need to try harder to take compliments and reciprocate better.

This week building up to the fundraiser was beyond overwhelming I felt sort of out of mind and body and almost robotic lol. I started to get sick sunday night and was straight through and still am. Monday I had my biz final, typed a meeting agenda  ,tuesday I conducted my little part of the sales meeting to amp up and inform the agents wed I took my construction final, went grocery shopping for event appetizers, had dinner with my sister, thursday I met with a client made some business call, decorated at the office put a tree up moved some tables, answered phones, wrote emails, took appointments, shopped some more for the event items, Friday was the day and I went to store after store picking random Items like ice and garbage bags. My tonsils felt bruised and beaten lol and my energy was in negative numbers. I scrambled to throw together physically and mentally the best chinese and silent auction. Labeling arrangeing etc alll the items. I scrambled to get to food out and into warmers. I found a way to relax I collected the money and sat on my tush for 2 1/2 hours. I had drank half a pepsi which I happened to spill half also lol. Thats all I ate that day because I was sooo occupied I didnt know or have time to think of eating. There was one mini drama that directly had no connection to myself but rained on my emotional parade for a couple minutes. Then also one woman seemed to be a raffle pro and told me how I needed to do my chinese auction drawing. So yes we closed the auctions at 730 and I held the bowl that the little girls poured the auction raffle tickets into that were stirred and drawn from. Everyone watched like hawks crowded around and stared us down. Every time the mad dash of the little girls grabbing bags to pour started I tried to make sure all the tickets were out of the bag(due to the suggestion and fear of one participant in the crowd yelling out) Every time a winner was drawn I could hear someone being dissapointed and saying did you stir them enough, do the kids know how to read numbers, are they all out of the bag, is that the right bag number for that basket. I felt annoyed next year this should be done in private and I will block off the auction room lol The other auctions wrapped up and I soon realized how people are so greedy and no one knew why we were raising money ya know it was for a good cause to pay children's medical bills who cares if you lost you have your health, so shut it. I grabbed what i could carry of mine and gave my boss the money we had counted so he could store it in the safe . I snuck out when I got the ok. I was sick as a dog and went home. I got home ate some pizza I grabbed from the left over party food crawled into bed and let my dog up with me turned on some indie chill on slacker radio on my bberry and layed there exhausted but so busy minded and sick. Sleep seemed impossible. I thought about what Id do different, what mistakes I made, my coworkers, my life, school, clients, everything my mind is so full connecting one concern to another. I realized how I felt so lonely and empty that night and wondered what am I doing with my life. Im the poorest workaholic I know. I have up and downs all day long and don't know what I really want.